I wish you would ask . . .
- Lydia Siamando
- May 2, 2020
- 4 min read
You love your friend, and you desperately want to help them. You know they need it. All you want to do is show them that love. But, for whatever reason, they haven’t asked for help.
Photo credit: Volodymyr Hryshchenk from Unsplash.
Have you ever had a friend who you knew was struggling in some way? You could just see it on their face . . . you could hear it in the tone of their voice. Maybe they lost a loved one or ended a relationship. Or, maybe they haven’t been acting themselves lately; maybe you haven’t seen them around as much, maybe you’ve started to hear some conflicting reports from other friends. You know something is wrong.
So, what do you do? Like anyone else who genuinely cares about someone you go up to that friend and say 'hey - you know I love you. Are you doing ok? If you need to talk, you know I’m right here, anytime - just pick up the phone and we can chat - day or night, you know I’m here for you. If there’s anything at all I can do to help, please let me know! I really mean that, please don’t hesitate to ask.'
And how do they respond? Nine times out of 10 they will say: ‘hey thanks – I really appreciate that. If I need anything, I’ll let you know.’
Except, here’s what they’re thinking: ‘That was nice of my friend. But they don’t understand . . . how could they understand? And what if they find out then judge me? What If they realise I don’t match up to the image they have of me? What if they see that I’m a hypocrite? What if they see how weak I am? What if they see how broken I am? What if they realise how desperate I am? What if they leave me? I’d consider leaving me. And If I don’t even want to see myself in the mirror, why would anyone else want to see me? Better not to burden them. Better to avoid the hassle. Better to just smile and say 'thank you, it’s sweet of you to offer - but I’m fine. I’ll figure it out anyway, and I’m sure I’ll get through it eventually. I’ll find the strength somewhere . . . it’ll be ok.'
Except, being on the outside, you and I know it’s not okay, and it won’t magically fix itself.
Tell me this - if your friend could actually bring themselves to say those things out loud to you; if they could ever openly share those insecurities with you . . . how would you respond?
In fact, don’t you just wish that they would tell you what they’re thinking - what’s holding them back? Because you’d jump at the opportunity to show them how much you love them; to reassure them, to give them a hug, to show them how much they matter to God and to you! Your deepest desire is to see them come out on the other side of this happy, healthy and with a testimony to tell.
So . . . what if, hypothetically, they could muster up the courage and bring themselves to open up to you?
They might say something like: 'I really messed up this time - you have no idea' and you might say 'That’s ok! God loves you and I love you, I’m not going to judge you – we’re all messed up, but keeping it in the dark never helps!'
They might say 'if you hear this, I don’t think we’d stay friends' and you’d say 'what makes you think that? This is what friends are for! What’s the point of only going through the good together if we can’t be there for each other in the struggle? Those are the most meaningful moments of our lives . . . that’s what a real friendship is!'
They’d say 'you can’t help me. This is something I have to do alone - nobody else even gets it. No one knows how I really feel’. And you might say 'try me. You never know. And at the very least you’ll have gotten it off your chest and you’ll take comfort in the fact that someone else knows what you’re going through. Tell me about it - help me to understand.'
Now, let me ask you this: did you mean what you said to your friend just there? How much did you mean it? Do you really love them enough to want to stick around? Would you think of judging them when they opened up to you? Or are you just waiting for the chance to be there for them to support them and show them how much you love them - how much God loves them.
One last question – and please listen close:
If any of that is true of how you would treat your friend . . . why wouldn’t it be true of how your friends would treat you?
See, now the shoe is on the other foot. It’s really you who needs the help. It’s really you struggling with those insecurities, it’s really you pushing everyone else away. I know, you smile and you manage to laugh it off, and to most of the world, you look just fine. But it’s killing you – it’s killing you on the inside. I’ve been there.
And now, in the midst of all that, here comes your friend - that loyal, loving, caring, genuine, godly friend, and they say to you: 'hey - you know I love you. Are you doing ok? If you need to talk, I’m right here, anytime - just pick up the phone and we can chat - day or night, you know I’m here for you. If there’s anything at all I can do to help you, please let me know! I really mean that, please don’t hesitate to ask.'
If you’re reading this please know that God loves you deeply and desires you to find rest in Him. Know that He has also placed others in your life to reflect His love to you in moments like these. You are not alone.
So, today - how will you choose to respond?
Written by Shady Gendy.
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