If time heals, then what's the point of forgiveness?

'Time will heal' is a common phrase we hear when we get wounded. But does time actually heal a wound?

Photo credit: Jose Fontano from Unsplah.

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Even Adele in her song ‘Hello’, said, "They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing."

Time numbs our pain, it doesn't heal it. Time is like anaesthetics injected in a patient's body before surgery in order to feel no pain.

So if time doesn't heal, then what does?

The Greek word for forgive is Aphiemi meaning to set free, to let go, or to release.

I was thinking about why we find it difficult to forgive those who have wronged us and I came to the conclusion that forgiveness is a contradiction to our human nature. In a sense, forgiveness doesn’t serve justice. Because in our human understanding justice is making the person pay the price.

Let me clarify what I mean by that statement. In our (sinful) nature, we lean towards getting revenge. We want them to drink from the same bitter cup, but triple the bitterness, so they really taste what it's like. We refuse to forgive because they don't 'deserve it'. Because we don't think it's fair.

It is even harder to forgive someone who never apologized.

C. S. Lewis in his book, 'Mere Christianity' wrote,

"Forgiveness is a lovely idea until he as something to forgive."

I have several stories about forgiveness to share, but they won’t fit in this blog. Hopefully, you’ll read them in a book I will write one day, eventually. That day could be anywhere between now and 20 years … hehe.

But I will summarize these stories into one concept. Throughout the past 5 years, I was hurt by the closest and dearest people to me and I never received an apology. In fact, I had nothing but hate and bitterness towards them.

My mind turned into a battlefield. I refused to forgive them and the grudge I held felt far too heavy. You know, it’s not about how far you can carry on the grudge, it’s about the consequences that follow.

It can leave marks on us too.

What happens when we carry something heavy for too long? We become exhausted.

I was exhausted too. The grudge I held only weighed me down.

No, time didn’t help. Time can help us get over it temporarily. But the moment you come in contact with the person that hurt you, your brain lifts the tonearm, moves it to the edge of the vinyl, slowly put the arm down and play old memories for you.

The reason we rely on time is that it’s comforting and non-confronting. We don’t need to make any effort to show grace.

In a sermon I heard once, the preacher shared a profound concept

“If I remain angry, then I have no room in my mind to find fault in myself.”

It’s easier to remain hurt and angry because then we won’t have to confront our self.

We tend to think that our unwillingness to forgive is serving us justice. But how does that genuinely make you feel? Do you feel true peace or is it anger that’s comforting you?

It’s important to remember that when we don’t set someone free, we carry their burden with us everywhere we go. We become chained to them.

Forgiveness isn’t pretending the pain doesn’t exist (denial). Forgiveness isn’t a word we say, it’s an action we take. It’s allowing Grace to change our heart.

An unforgiving heart is a troubled heart. Often times we look for a detour, so we decide to cover it with a bandaid and move on. How about treating the wound? What if bandaid isn't enough to heal the wound?

To be fair, some things are harder to forgive than others. Every wound has its depth.

But if we’re honest, there are times where we waste thoughts, time and energy holding a grudge on something that’s not even worth a second thought.

As a Christian, I am reminded of God's undeserving and unconditional love and forgiveness.

And yes, I said it – undeserving – because the truth is we are nothing. It’s only by God’s love, grace and mercy that we are something.

The work of the cross is incredible. It's too magnificent for any human to comprehend. I love how Jesus didn't change his mind, I mean he could have, but he didn’t. And I never get that part.

Luke 23:24 quotes Jesus as He hung on the cross, “And Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Father, forgive them

Forgive them.

Forgive.

He loved us so much that He paid the price for our sins. He forgave us . . . and no, he didn’t forgive us because someone apologized to him on our behalf, he chose forgiveness.

Romans 5:8 tells us that “…while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

While.

If there is one thing I’ve learned throughout the years is this:

It’s only when we acknowledge (receive) the forgiveness that’s been given to us is when we are able to (give) forgive others.

God’s grace is power. It’s in God’s grace that we’re able to forgive. It’s in His grace we find the strength to release and let go, to drop the baggage and set ourselves and others free.

Forgiveness is not an act of weakness. It never was. It was an act of love.

As we’ve come to the end of this blog, I would like to conclude it by asking you one simple question: Are you healed or just distracted?

The choice is yours.

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No, you're not my happiness

How many times have we put our happiness in the hands of things, people, places, and you name it?

Photo credit: Jade Wulfraat from Unsplash

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I know I've done that . . . a lot.

We crave and search for happiness in this world like someone would crave and search for water in the middle of a desert.

If you and I were to knock on people’s door and ask, “Do you want to be happy?” I doubt their answer would be, “No, thanks mate!"

Aren't we constantly trying to be happy anyway?

We try to be friends with someone specific because then we'll be happy. We try our best to get that one job because then we'll be happy. We try to go somewhere specific because then we'll be happy. We try to accomplish something specific because then we'll be happy.

Don't get me wrong these are great things to do. To make friends, to get a job, to visit places and to accomplish your goals.

And then what?

I remember a few years ago when my best friends and I were around 13 years old we had a close guy friend from church whom we’d hang out with sometimes.

Any time he wanted to annoy or tease us, his response to anything we said was “and then what?”

Later it became a thing between my friends and I. We'd joke around and tease each other using his golden phrase, "and then what", in our conversations.

For years, I placed my happiness on people and things. They were the source of my happiness.

I mean, who hasn't?

Now pause for a moment and dive into your imagination . . .

Let’s imagine happiness as a box of cookies or lollies. If you’re not a sweet tooth feel free to imagine them as any other quantity.

Let’s say every time you visit a friend or a relative, you are given a cookie.

When we see a full box of cookies, we tend to 'forget' it will eventually become empty.

No matter how amazing the cookie is, the quantity is limited (unless people stock up in their pantry but that just proves my initial point).

Back to the scenario . . .

Now every time you visit, you’re given a cookie, pretty cool aye?

Then one day, you decide to swing by a friend. You arrive, knock on the door (or text them you've arrived), they open the door and welcome you in.

As you sit on the couch in the cozy living room, the clock in your head starts ticking.

*tick* *tick* *tick*

Oh, wait, ticking for what?

For the cookie!

Where is the cookie? you think to yourself.

Your thoughts begin to whisper to you, “Oh, maybe they just forgot to give you this time?”, “Throw a hint at them”, or “Maybe they’ll give it to you just before you leave.”

But maybe, they’ve run out of cookies to give. And wouldn’t that be the most logical answer? Well, maybe not the “most” but it’s logical enough.

The point I am trying to convey with this whole scenario is we'll sometimes run out of things to give to people and vice versa.

It took me a few let downs to understand this. To understand that I shouldn’t expect to be given a cookie every single time in order to be satisfied or happy.

One can still remain satisfied whether given a cookie or not. The cookie shouldn't be the source of my happiness.

I’ve learnt that basing my happiness on people and things cause just as much disappointment as it does happiness.

The question is, can we still be happy if we don’t get a cookie?

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To belong

Do you ever feel like you don’t belong? Yet you crave the feeling of belonging immensely.

Photo credit: Rodrigo Mtorres

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It all started when we left our country, moved to Jordan and then again moved to Australia.

I have lost my sense of belonging. Now I don’t feel like I ‘belong’ somewhere.

And that hurts.

For a long time, my heart felt heavy and fragile. It could also be because I tend to have a melancholic personality. So things are felt and thought of more deeply and intensely.

Even though I’ve met wonderful people and families, there is just no sense of belonging.

I don’t know if it’s a sense I am able to gain back. It doesn’t seem to be the case so far.

At times the sense comes in the moment . . . but then fades away leaving prints of the moment on my heart. That's all . . .

I think it’s a process. A process that I am uncertain how long it will take. Will it eventually get better or will it never change? I don’t know, I don’t have the answer.

I guess it’s human nature (need) to have the desire to belong somewhere. Perhaps it's because it makes us feel accepted and included.

Just to clarify, I am not talking about belonging as in not being acknowledged or accepted by people or in a community. I am talking about an internal feeling I am experiencing and that others experience too when you can’t seem to ‘fit’ somewhere.

It's a feeling that comes and goes. The fact that it comes and goes, means it never went away. That’s a whole different battle.

Battling with this feeling is like throwing a ball at the wall and have it bounce right back at you. Nothing changes.

I often felt I needed to belong somewhere in order to feel happiness or wholeness. To feel like ‘I got my life together’, to avoid feeling alone.

I find it ironic to attach one’s happiness somewhere one doesn’t (feel like they) belong.

I don’t think anyone enjoys feeling alone and perhaps that’s why we crave the feeling of belonging. We want to be attached to someone or somewhere, so we're not 'alone'.

For so long, I felt bad for myself (& that’s not a Lydia thing to do). So I was like, hold on, why do I feel bad for myself? I can do something about this.

I came to a realisation that I don’t need to belong to be happy, whole or enjoy the stage of life I'm in.

I came to a realisation that perhaps that’s a liberating thing – not to belong.

I came to a realisation that I’ve become more flexible with new spaces and new people.

Til now, this blog may be conveying a self-pity tone, but you know what else? I am so grateful for this feeling. Because I realised this is not just about me. Other people (with similar circumstances as mine) experience this too.

Going through it myself gives me the privilege – yes, privilege – to understand and help someone else.

It may be a silly idea to call hurt, a 'privilege', or to call something you're missing, a 'privilege', but maybe privilege isn't always the good stuff. Maybe it's the messy stuff we feel too.

Messy stuff which others can relate to.

:)

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