To belong

Do you ever feel like you don’t belong? Yet you crave the feeling of belonging immensely.

Photo credit: Rodrigo Mtorres

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It all started when we left our country, moved to Jordan and then again moved to Australia.

I have lost my sense of belonging. Now I don’t feel like I ‘belong’ somewhere.

And that hurts.

For a long time, my heart felt heavy and fragile. It could also be because I tend to have a melancholic personality. So things are felt and thought of more deeply and intensely.

Even though I’ve met wonderful people and families, there is just no sense of belonging.

I don’t know if it’s a sense I am able to gain back. It doesn’t seem to be the case so far.

At times the sense comes in the moment . . . but then fades away leaving prints of the moment on my heart. That's all . . .

I think it’s a process. A process that I am uncertain how long it will take. Will it eventually get better or will it never change? I don’t know, I don’t have the answer.

I guess it’s human nature (need) to have the desire to belong somewhere. Perhaps it's because it makes us feel accepted and included.

Just to clarify, I am not talking about belonging as in not being acknowledged or accepted by people or in a community. I am talking about an internal feeling I am experiencing and that others experience too when you can’t seem to ‘fit’ somewhere.

It's a feeling that comes and goes. The fact that it comes and goes, means it never went away. That’s a whole different battle.

Battling with this feeling is like throwing a ball at the wall and have it bounce right back at you. Nothing changes.

I often felt I needed to belong somewhere in order to feel happiness or wholeness. To feel like ‘I got my life together’, to avoid feeling alone.

I find it ironic to attach one’s happiness somewhere one doesn’t (feel like they) belong.

I don’t think anyone enjoys feeling alone and perhaps that’s why we crave the feeling of belonging. We want to be attached to someone or somewhere, so we're not 'alone'.

For so long, I felt bad for myself (& that’s not a Lydia thing to do). So I was like, hold on, why do I feel bad for myself? I can do something about this.

I came to a realisation that I don’t need to belong to be happy, whole or enjoy the stage of life I'm in.

I came to a realisation that perhaps that’s a liberating thing – not to belong.

I came to a realisation that I’ve become more flexible with new spaces and new people.

Til now, this blog may be conveying a self-pity tone, but you know what else? I am so grateful for this feeling. Because I realised this is not just about me. Other people (with similar circumstances as mine) experience this too.

Going through it myself gives me the privilege – yes, privilege – to understand and help someone else.

It may be a silly idea to call hurt, a 'privilege', or to call something you're missing, a 'privilege', but maybe privilege isn't always the good stuff. Maybe it's the messy stuff we feel too.

Messy stuff which others can relate to.

:)

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