It's time to MOVE ON

Have you ever had to move on from a situation? A relationship? A heartbreak? A friend? A loss?

Photo credit: Sunyu from Unsplash.

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Easier said than done, I know.

I think the masses would agree that moving on is not an easy process. Because it involves a battle between how you feel, what you think and reality. It’s more than just ceasing contemplation of something. Often, you’re simply hurt, whether it was done intentionally or not.

We usually get told to ‘move on’ when we get hurt as if it was an overnight task to accomplish.

I wonder though, why do we struggle so much to move on knowing it’s a healthy decision? Why is it that we don’t want to let go of the thing that’s hurting us?

I think the reason we cling on to the things we need to move on from is that we still want it but not the pain it brings us. It could be a person we need to move on from or a situation.

I wish moving on didn’t hurt more than what’s hurting us. I wish it was a smooth and quick process. But I’ve come to a realisation that you’re never ‘done’ in a day . . . it takes days, months, or years depending on the depth of a situation.

I don’t know what’s going on in your life. I don’t know the pain, heartbreak or the loss you’re experiencing. But I know one thing; you’ll get through this no matter how long it takes.

I will never forget the golden words of my counsellor, ’honour your feelings’. We tend to want to shut our feelings and emotions down because we’re afraid of them conquering us. We don’t like defeat . . . especially emotional defeat.

We tend to think that dismissing our feelings and emotions is the way to move on. But ignoring how you feel doesn’t magically eliminate your feelings.

Oh, the number of times I’ve dismissed my feelings because they felt ‘irrelevant’ and ‘extra’. I played the ‘pretend’ game, where you fool yourself into thinking these feelings don’t actually exist when in reality, they do!

Pushing your feelings in the background won’t make them disappear and I can’t stress this enough. I learnt it the hard way and yes, it was painful.

Pushing your feelings in the background is like putting a bandaid on a wound that requires stitches. You’re only covering it up not fixing it. And it could be easily triggered again.

Honour your feelings. Feel what you need to feel. You don’t have to necessarily act upon ever feeling because it isn’t healthy or right. But if you’re upset, process it . . . if you’re sad, process it . . . if you’re frustrated, then process it. Honour these feelings too.

A reason we might avoid the process could be due to lack of desire or strength to experience the emotional roller coaster again, which is completely understandable because it can be draining.

If you keep your feelings and the triggers unprocessed, you'll remain in the same cycle! Can't change the past, stuck in the present, struggling to move forward.

Ask yourself, is it even worth it?

Use the VALUE technique when someone’s talking/being vulnerable:

V: Validate

A: Ask questions

L: Listen

U: Understand the meaning that can be behind the words

E: Empathise.

This blog is inspired by successfully moving on from something that was an emotional drainer for a long time!

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The importance of finishing one chapter at a time.

Chapter of a book? of life? of what exactly?

Photo credit: Jonas Jacobs from Unsplash

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Whether you're a book lover or not, you would agree that to understand a story thoroughly, one would have to read every chapter of a book.

Of course, you have the freedom to skip through the chapters if you’re really curious to know how the story ends. But as wonderful the freedom of skipping through is, are you going to enjoy the actual story?

No doubt you’ll finish the book quicker but you’ll indeed miss out on the important details and events that occur throughout a book.

Not only that, but the story won’t make sense to you. Yeah, you’ll get bits from here and there but some puzzle pieces will remain missing.

Doesn’t this sound familiar to our life? How often do skip through things, moments, people and places because we’re not enjoying it? Or perhaps, we’re not patient enough and we want to reach the end of it already.

So what happens when we choose to skip?

Now I won’t judge you if you skip Math class. Run for your life. Just kidding, please don’t skip your classes!

Unless Math is giving you a headache.

1. You don't wanna miss out!

I think this one is self-explanatory: what you skip, you miss.

But here’s the thing, details are the bricks for any story. To build and develop it, you’ve got to add details to it. Not every detail is going to be fascinating or heart-warming, but it’s still an important brick to add!

Sometimes in life, we tend to skip moments, events, people and places because we’re too focused on the next moment or the next thing.

We forget to enjoy the current moment we’re in. We refuse to be in the moment. Whether it's because we get bored or we don’t care about the current ‘details’. But these details we try to ditch, matter.

2. Things won't make sense

This is when you have the 'whaaat?' moment.

Have you ever tried skipping chapters of a book or movie scenes which then leaves you with nothing but confusion?

That’s because things don’t make sense. And when they don’t, we get frustrated.

When we skip moments, events, people and places, it causes us to lose the sense of the story and not completely understand the connection between the events.

And here’s the thing, even if you do go back and read a previous chapter or watch a previous scene, it will no longer be fascinating or fun because you’ll already know what happens next.

3. It feels like a job

No thanks.

When reading a book starts to feel more like a ‘job’, you lose interest.

You stop enjoying it the way you initially intended to enjoy. It becomes a task you desperately want to tick off of your list.

Once we start skipping, we enter the lets-get-the-job-done-already phase where you don’t care about the story anymore, all you care about is finishing it.

And friend, this is what we do in our lives and I am the first to admit.

We just want to skip and skip and when we finally get to the end of the ‘book’, we feel meh, due to what was once a passion now turned into a chore to complete.

4. Is the end enough?

Now that you got to the end of it, are you happy, satisfied, or surprised?

We dream of knowing the end but what if the real meaning is found in the midst of the big and small details of the story?

Some endings are easier to predict than others. And some are very surprising. Not what you expected.

Long story short, this blog is written to encourage you to enjoy every chapter of your life whether it’s a good or a bad one. Whether you wish the writer added more or less dialogue.

Whether you wish some characters weren’t involved or were more involved.

5. I don't have a fifth point

That's right. But I wanted to make one just for the looks of it because four points looked odd hehe. Congradulations you've come to the end of this blog. I hope you enjoyed reading it!

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I decided to put my reality glasses on

And what changed?

Photo credit: Nick Hillier from Unspsplash.

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A year ago today I published a blog called "I feel nostalgic" and a year later I feel the complete opposite. So I decided to write a new blog on how I feel currently and do a little comparison and reflection.

I remember this day vividly, it was late at night, and I was sitting in my room feeling melancholy. Nostalgia weighed my heart down, loneliness made itself home in my heart, and brokenness chose not to pick up the pieces. I felt like a part of who I am was missing.

I remember looking through my old photos and I suddenly felt a heavy weight fall on my chest. I wasn’t strong enough to hold the weight. My tears had no way out but to fall down my face.

I wasn’t so much in my ‘present’, I was reminiscing on the ‘good old days’. I desperately wanted to relive the good old days.

A year later, I am in a different state of mind. I am practising to be present in the moment. In fact, I haven’t felt nostalgic since we entered 2020, and I am glad.

Nostalgia normally arrives in places, in smelling scents, in cozy weather, or in music to meet up with you. A good way to avoid deep or intense nostalgia is to not allow yourself to live in your head for too long. To remember is sweet, but let it be a short visit.

Honestly, I feel like a part of me grew out of the ‘good old days’ — about time aye.

I’ll always remember the special, happy moments but I no longer feel the need to be ‘emotional’ about them. They had an impact on me back then, and I’ll always remember how I felt, but it will no longer have an impact on me now.

I have spent so much time in my head which prevented me from enjoying the moment I was in. And this is something I want to be practising in 2020. I want to be alive in the moment whether it’s good or bad.

Now I am not saying we should never escape our reality, remember the past or feel sentimental. Of course, we will.

But to make these moments/feels our shelter is what I don’t encourage you to do. Feel what you have to feel, but don’t dwell on it.

It happened, it was great, but it’s gone now. Let’s enjoy the moment we’re in.

And there have been many moments where I didn’t fully enjoy the moment because I was so invested in my head reminiscing on the past. And it only made me feel worse. Because I didn’t enjoy the present moment and I couldn’t relive the past.

As a start of this new decade, I chose to remain connected with the people I socialise with, admire the places I go to, and appreciate a song without having it drag me down into the feels.

Few things have changed in me which I am grateful for. I feel better, healthier (mentally), and stronger (emotionally).

Now I’m more in sync with reality and I think that’s important.

I want to honour my present and to honour the people. I don’t want to be ‘mentally somewhere else’.

I’ll still dream and wander in my imagination, but I won’t put expectations or timeframes on myself, my future or other people.

Be present.

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