Photo Credit: Liam Truong on Unsplash.
The rain is slowly dripping down the foggy windows. The clouds are covering the sky like a curtain. And darkness continues to expand.
Finally, she turns on the standing lamp that’s located in the corner of her room.
She’s standing in the middle of chaos.
She feels as though she is in the middle of a forest surrounded by tall trees, unsure of which route to take.
Where do I start? she thinks.
She sighs and rests on her bed. But then she realizes time is flying faster than she anticipated. So she pulls herself back up and puts her worries aside.
I’ll start with what’s in front of me, she affirms herself.
Her luggage is placed on the floor - open and empty. It’s exactly how she feels too - empty.
She begins filling her luggage with clothes and other necessary items. But she can’t seem to find the ‘item’ that can fill the emptiness in her. Maybe that’s for another day.
She pauses for a bit and sits on the wooden floor of her room, next to her bedside table.
She pulls the drawer and takes out all the letters, cards and journals. She begins to flick through them and stumbles upon an unopened letter.
The envelope carries no evidence of who it is from.
Her memory fails to remember how or when she received it.
She shrugs and puts it away.
Her brain is remarkably consumed with many things that her curiosity doesn’t jump up to open the letter and read it.
Has her curiosity gone to sleep?
Maybe it’s not important after all. It’s just an anonymous letter.
Her luggage is ready. But is her heart?
-
The sun makes its bright appearance through its radiating rays.
It’s the morning already, she sighs.
What if that’s an indication she’s not ready yet for the trip that she’s about to take?
She leaves her bed feeling like a mountain is sitting on her chest.
-
She arrives at the station and jumps on a train.
As her heavy eyes capture the view from the window, she remains lost in her thoughts.
This is supposed to cheer me up, she thinks. Tears drip down her face just as the rain did on her bedroom windows.
Except for this time, it's not the window that's foggy, it's her mind.
The view isn’t enough to cheer her up. In fact, she’s not even admiring the view that’s in front of her. She is blinded by her thoughts.
What if she is lost. Not just in her thoughts but her self.
After the 4-hour train trip, she finally arrives at her chosen destination.
Suddenly, the luggage feels heavier than it initially was. Common sense says the luggage can’t get heavier. But perhaps she’s just tired of dragging it behind her.
At some point, she considers leaving it behind her.
Is this even worth carrying with me? she thinks.
Instead of leaving the entire luggage behind her, she decides to get rid of some of the things.
What if this is something I need to do with myself too? she thinks.
She breaks her gaze and goes back to emptying her luggage from items she thinks aren't necessary for the trip.
As she pulls out a scarf, the letter attached to the scarf rests on the ground.
She notices it and quickly grabs it from the rocky land.
“Oh, not this letter again!", she screams.
She sighs, puts it back in her luggage, zips it and continues her walking journey.
After walking for three hours to get to the cottage that's sitting on a hilltop, her body craved rest.
As the sun is going to sleep, and the sky is a watercolour canvas painting, and the breeze continues to grow strong, she looks up to heaven and smiles.
She opens the cottage door and jumps on the beige soft couch.
There she falls asleep.
At 3:00AM her unsettled mind wakes her up.
She grabs her phone and turns the flash on in hopes she finds a candle to light.
Thankfully, she finds a sandalwood scented candle and a packet of matches on the rusty wooden table.
Her thoughts run like they’re on a race to win a prize.
One thought pauses her actions.
“Am I here for an escape or to find what I’m looking for?", she loudly asks herself.
She digs in her luggage to find her journal so she can get some of the mountain weight off of her chest.
As she pulls out the journal from the luggage, she notices the letter again.
“I’m just going to throw it away,” she says while grinding her teeth.
Why is she so afraid to open the letter? I mean, is she afraid, confused or uninterested?
But wouldn’t curiosity drive her to open the letter?
She holds the letter in her left hand and stares at it . . . the letter falls like a feather in the luggage.
It’s as if she wants to know what the letter conveys, but at the same time, she is afraid to do so.
What is she really escaping from?
-
The sun makes an appearance.
She makes herself a long black coffee poured in a dark blue vintage mug.
She sits on an antique wooden chair just outside the cottage.
She is surrounded by all shades of green bushes, tall trees and colourful roses. The mountains are surrounding her like walls and are dressed with different shades of brown.
She listens to the birds singing and the sound of the breeze dancing around her.
I came here to escape, she thinks. But why do I feel more trapped than ever? I thought changing my place would help . . . I mean it did . . . but there’s something else that needs to be changed.
She places her cup on the ground and walks back into the cottage.
She grabs her journal and her pen, then she looks around and notices the crunched letter in the corner of the room.
She gazes at it for a few seconds and decides to grab it along with the journal.
She walks outside and claims her seat on the wooden chair again.
She opens her journal to write . . . but hold on, she feels something.
Her curiosity is awake.
But before she opens the letter, she wants to express her thoughts through writing.
“Another wave carried me back to the shore
A place I ran from
A place I tried to escape
It never felt like home anyway
So I’m not ready to feel like a stranger again
It’s unpredictable
But I’m not surprised . . .”
She expels her fears and opens the letter.
She inhales and exhales deeply before she begins reading:
" To my beloved,
My dear child whom I love unconditionally. My heart breaks to see you in pain. I see how hard you try to escape from one place to another thinking it's only physical. But deep down, you know you’ve got some unanswered questions that switch on your mind at night. And it hurts me to see these anxieties and emotions steal away the peace.
My thoughts are precious toward you. I’m always waiting for you at the door. I never left you or forsake you.
I know you went through storms and you felt all alone. But I Am the one who kept your boat afloat. And you came out of the storm strong and fearless. You learned how to face the waves when they rise up.
I know you're feeling weak and hopeless.
You feel like you're surviving - not living. I know you’re also wondering if I genuinely care about you. Or perhaps, if I love you unconditionally. This letter is proof that I do.
These are not just some words I’m writing to cheer you up for a moment. But rather, Truth that will carry you through life.
Identity yourself completely with me . . . stop trying to be your own savior.
What if you let me carry this mountain for you? What if you let me still the storm waging in your mind? What if you let me be the Answer to your questions?
I’m the Creator of your heart. And I can see all the cracks, bruises and scars.
I lovingly ask you to allow me to be the one to heal it. To create in you a new heart and breathe into you the breath of life.
I never waste any pain. Everything that you’ve gone through was to eventually lead us both to this point.
Where the mountain you've had to carry can now be handed to me. It was never yours to carry anyway.
You're going to be ok.
Always remember that you are engraved in the palm of my hands.
With love,
The Great I Am."
