- Lydia Siamando
- Sep 18, 2018
- 5 min read
Here, I briefly share my personal story. I hope you get encouraged as you read it.
"To be continued ..." because I am still learning, growing and things that I yet get to experience.
Photo credit: Reuben Juarez on Unsplash

When I was around 13 years old , I had set a vision for my life. I imagined and planned everything in my head. I’d tell myself ‘Lydia, when you turn 18, you will move to America, study college there (fashion & design), get a job, marry an American guy (LOL), build a family and settle my life there.
Not only that, my two best friends – Delphia and Grace – and I, would plan our future together as well. For example, we planned that we’d all move to America and live in the same house together and live our best lives. Funny thing is that each one of us is living in a different continent now.
As a teenager, you plan and set all these goals for your life hoping one day it will all come true.
I always thought turning 18 was a big deal. I had this mindset where I was convinced that by 18, everything will be alright, everything will work out and I’ll achieve all of my dreams. Can we all take a moment of silence for naïve-teenage me?
Turning the page, when I turned 18, I was living in Amman, Jordan with my family. I didn’t attend school and I hadn’t achieved my dreams. And that was slightly disappointing. I was disappointed in myself and I felt like a failure.
‘Why me?’ I broke the Guinness world record for asking this question too many times. (No I didn’t, I was just being extra).
My teenage era was the darkest. I’d never want to go back whatsoever. I struggled with many different things in my life. I hated myself and I hated my life. I felt unloved, unvalued and unworthy. I believed that the world would be better off without me and that I was the reason to every problem happening in the world. I was broken and bruised.
I remember going to bed every night with tears in my eyes hoping I won’t wake up the next day because I didn’t want to live anymore. I was in so much pain that I’d fall on my knees and cry my eyes out until it numbed me.
I was not happy but I wanted to be happy. I wanted to experience that feeling of joy and genuinely ‘loving’ life.
From feeling worthless to purposeless to being hopeless and helpless, I somehow managed to keep going.
More than anything, I had a hard time accepting God’s love for me. 'How can God love someone messed up and broken like me?', 'I am not good enough to be loved by you God. Have you seen my life and all the things I have done? I am not worthy of your love'.
I distanced myself from God because I felt ashamed. I was so ashamed of who I was. And when people would tell me ‘God has got great plans for your life’, ‘There is a bright future ahead of you’, ‘He is going to use in ways you’ve never imagined!”, ‘You will change many lives’, etc and I didn't get that.
Me? God use me? How would God want someone unclean like me? How can I tell someone they are loved when I don’t feel loved myself? Bright future? I guess we’ll never see that because I probably will be dead by then.
These thoughts consumed me one after another.
Moving on, I thought life would be better in Jordan. You know, new country, new people, new opportunities . . . But little did I know about the dark tunnel that I was about to walk through.
The moment I thought depression had left me, it came crawling back to me and consumed me. I remember the days where I’d lie on my bed, depressed, staring at the ceiling with tears falling from my eyes and thoughts running wild in my head.
Every day, I was drowning deeper in depression to the point where it numbed me. You know when you get to a point where drowning isn’t terrifying anymore because you are so used to it now? Imagine drowning in the deepest ocean but you don’t feel like you’re drowning because you can’t feel anything.
It’s sad.
We arrived to Australia in 2017. I was 18 years old and I thought to myself ‘this is the end to my depression. I’ll be happy again’
But little did I know, it would only get worse and depression invited its other friend – anxiety — into my head.
From being the passionate girl whose heart is on fire, to a damaged, hopeless girl. From being the girl who’s always in the middle of the circle, to the girl who stood in the corner of the room. From being the girl who wants to change the world and save people, wants to be saved herself.
I am an imperfect, weak human and so are you. We can’t always be strong. But there is Someone I know who is perfect and all powerful . . . who loves and cares for you . . . who is always waiting at the door for you . . . This Someone healed me. This Someone changed me. This Someone drew me out of the deep waters. This Someone filled my empty cup. This Someone is deeply in love with me. This Someone never left me alone.
God’s love and grace healed me. And when I was healed, I changed. It was quite a journey. I didn’t understand why I had to go through the things I had to go through then, but looking back now I realize it only made me grow stronger emotionally and spiritually and grow more confident in myself and in Him. Most importantly, I experienced God’s goodness and kindness in ways I never thought I would. Every time I think I have experienced God enough, He takes me on another level because that’s just how awesome He is.
Now when people meet me they often go like, ‘ wow you are really strong’ or ‘ that’s very brave of you’ or ‘ I love how confident you are’ and so on. That’s because I chose not to be a victim of my past but victorious in who God says I am.
Now I am 19 years old, living in Melbourne, Australia, studying what I'm most passionate about - writing and Journalism, not married yet but definitely not American guy (LOL). I have achieved few of my goals (for example, this blog site), met amazing people who have become huge blessing in my life, and I can genuinely say – I am happy.
However, that does not mean life is perfect or will be perfect at some point in life. It will never be. Problems won’t just suddenly disappear. There will always be pain, hardships, trials, challenges and the list goes on. Your dreams won’t magically come true overnight (the irony). You’ve got to put effort, and you’ve got to learn to work past your failures and I know it’s not an easy thing to do. But the choice is always yours. Do you want to be a victim or be victorious? You choose.
Long story short, I was convinced that happiness was found in a certain place, but after going through what I went through, I realized that a place means nothing if you are not content deep inside your heart & soul. The biggest lie you will hear is 'you will find happiness there'. Sorry to break it to you but no, you won't. Yes maybe temporarily but that is it. We like to live in denial sometimes from things we refuse to change or are afraid to change because we get to be out of our comfort zone and nobody enjoys that. It's not about getting out of your comfort zone, most of the time, it's staying out there.
I personally refuse to become a victim knowing Who holds my life.